The Shine Workshop.

Last night I attended the Behaviour Management course with Alma Carroll from the Shine centre in Carrigaline. I was hoping to get some tips or help on dealing with the behaviours we struggle with at home. Because the kids don't speak it can be so hard to determine what they want or why they are acting a certain way. As a stay at home parent I usually have a good idea as I am with them all the time but there are plenty days when I'm literally standing there saying " what do you want "to them too. This just frustrates them and me.

The workshop was centred around thinking about things from the child's point of view. The aim was to try and teach us as parents, to think about what happened before the meltdown and what happened after.
Here are the few things I took away as most important and relevant to us.

1. The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. 🙈
How many of us have been here. Stressed out, and wondering when their child is upto 90 is it a tantrum and a meltdown. Do you discipline them or can they actually help what they are doing? Is it their feelings or surroundings that is overwhelming them or is it just them trying to get their own way?
The answer is as follows. A tantrum requires a behavioural intervention. A meltdown requires a sensory intervention.

A child that is misbehaving can be reasoned with or calmed down ( not easily I include but it is possible ) but a child in meltdown has lost all their control and cannot cope with how they are feeling or their environment. Alma's advice here was to make sure they are safe and allow them to come out of it themselves. After trying everything with my kids I have to agree that this is the best solution in a terrible situation. Logan's goes into his high chair and I let him scream it out. Otherwise he will bite.
If I can, I'll try counting with Kirsty to 10 but when she is too far gone we put her onto the couch in the kitchen and walk out the door.
There is no reasoning with either of them in meltdown so we allow them to calm themselves. This is just our way... every family is different. Do whatever works for you. There is nothing more hard or heartbreaking as an autism parent than the meltdowns so each to their own. Once they are calm some positive reinforcement is so important. Even if it's just a high five for calming themselves down. Try to praise wherever you can.
( I'll struggle with this... apparently " I'm going to kill you if you don't stop screaming" isn't the best way to approach things. And all cursing is frowned upon. 😂😂😂 )

2. The important of eye contact.

Eye contact used to be our big thing. I would warm people
" Don't give her the ipad unless she looks at you, don't rewind the tv unless she looks at you " .
We used to practically beg her but Kirsty never maintained eye contact. Logan will almost stare into your soul so we never had the issue with him but Kirsty just does not like it. Look into her eyes and she will physically push you away. Even us as her parents. We get 2 or 3 seconds tops and that's it. I used to stress over it but as soon as we realised it wasn't the "be all" things became so much better. She does interact. She does play with us and just because she isn't staring at my eyes doesn't mean she isn't looking at me. Lots of kids with Autism use their Peripheral vision so they are looking from the side or around the face but the eyes are too much for them. And that's ok.
Last night Alma said they never force eye contact at the school in Shine. There is a reason why they don't like it and that has to be respected. Once again I definitely agree.

3. Lastly, the area of Rigidity.

We struggle with this. Both kids likes routine and it can be very upsetting for them when things change. Especially Kirsty. If you say you are going somewhere you must go there and you must go now. She doesn't do waiting and are doesn't do change of plans. It's important to work against this need to control things as it will only get harder as they get older.
I know it can be confusing. You are told routine and schedules are vital but when they become too rigid then that's a problem? If the child craves routine then isn't it important to give it and keep things the same? I remember asking a teacher about this and she told me that in schools checking the schedule is the routine but the schedule always changes. So it's the act of looking at it that becomes the child's routine, regardless of what is on it. In Kirsty's case it's part of her plan in school to deal with change so they use a change card. This is really tough for her .
For ex. The teacher tells Kirsty it is time to go out to the yard but when they go out it has started to rain. Now Kirsty has heard she is going outside so she wants to go but she can't. All hell breaks loose. They show her the "change card" and say the word "change" and try to offer her something else instead to do. It isn't an easy process but it teaches her that things can always be controlled and how to cope with that.
And it will take time. Like EVERYTHING to do with autism. Nothing happens overnight. I've learned patience I never knew even existed in our family. I come from a long line of O'Connells with zero patience!!!

All in all I found the workshop very helpful. These little refresher courses are great to get you thinking and you'll always pick up something. It was also lovely to be in a room full of people who are going through what you are. There were a lot of helpful suggestions from Alma, and from the other parents to each other and hopefully people enjoyed it. I've always said I learn more from other parents than I ever could from a book and that's still the case.

Many thanks to the girls from Shine. It was an eye opener. 😊😊😊

Being autism parents.

Lots of people ask me how do Brian and I deal with our situation. I'm sure they wonder how the stress hasn't broke us up yet and how do we cope as a couple knowing the future is so scary and unclear.
To be honest we've been through it all. Unless you are a couple in this situation you couldn't fathom it. We have dealt with every emotion that a couple could.

I'll start with guilt.

I know the question that burns in people's minds when it comes to autism. Some people even come right out and say it. Where did it come from, your side or his?
And I won't lie, I know we've both wondered. At one stage or another I'm sure we saw something in each other's habits or personalities and thought " Oh ya, that's where they get it".
I've felt guilty for thinking it and also felt guilty for any traits I have that I could have passed on. But the truth is that it came from neither side. No one in his family nor mine has ASD. Between us we have 7 sisters, 2 brothers, 16 nieces, 3 nephews and no autism, except with us. The rational side of me knows we have nothing to feel guilty about. The emotional side begs to differ. That's the harsh reality of the autism we know. It literally came out of nowhere.

Which brings me to another emotion... injustice.

Many a time we have said to each other why us? And that is not us wishing it on anyone else instead, just us wondering why autism happened here. I know we have both wondered if we had married someone else would it be the same? Is it just our DNA together that brought it into our lives? I don't know anybody that wouldn't ponder these things from time to time. " What if's" are human nature. Maybe it is unfair and I think it's ok to feel that way. Our kids didn't ask for this. For their life to be harder than others but it's here and we deal with it.

The strongest emotion in this marriage is love. As corny as that sounds it's true. We have been through the worst times imaginable and we made it out the other side. Endless nights of sleep with a screaming baby boy who just wouldn't stop. 2 and a half years to be exact. We still have 2am wake up calls from Kirsty who thinks it's time to get up and play. All of that pales in comparison to the heartbreak and worry we have for the kids and their futures. The underlying tones of sadness we feel when other kids around us flourish and ours are so far behind. Hearing child after child in our families say they love their parents and longing to hear it ourselves. The thing that gets us through is that we are in it together. No one knows how I feel but him and vice versa. That's a special bond to have, for any couple.

On days when the kids drive us spare, we say " It's us against them and them little feckers won't win." 😂😂😂
We may be their biggest supporters but we are the ones that get the most fed up of them too!! I'm sure it's like that in many households.
But at night when they are asleep, we remember we are still a couple and not just a mom and dad. Don't get me wrong... we fight. We absolutely bug each other.
Apparently I can't load a dishwasher to save my life and asking him to cut the grass requires at least 3 months notice.
He says it's grounds for divorce if I leave one more teabag in the sink but he thinks that it's acceptable to tear apart a basket of clean washing just to get the t shirt at the bottom of it. God forbid he actually put them away!!! 🙈🙈🙈

I wouldn't have it any other way. We are far from perfect but together we fit.
We are partners for life and I couldn't do this job without him. ❤❤❤

THE TESCO TAGS 😍😍😍

I just wanted to share a good news story with ye. I have a 5 year old daughter with autism called Kirsty. She is a beautiful funny quirky little girl and one of her favourite things to do is pull the red price tags off the shelves in Tesco. She holds them in her hand for hours and gets super excited. The latest one she has had since Saturday!! 

Today we couldn't figure out why she was so sad at home or in school. She just wasn't herself and because she is non verbal she couldn't tell us. I found the red price ticket out our back garden and her mood changed instantly. Within seconds she was smiling and laughing again. All over a little red tag. It's so hard as she couldn't just say " Mom, where's that tag I love so much !!" 

So I thought to myself ... "ok, we need a spare" !!! I went to Tesco in Mallow and asked the girl that was serving me if I could have one. She seemed a little puzzled but said she would ask her manager. She did and the manager, equally puzzled came over to me. I explained about Kirsty and showed her a little video on my phone of my girl with her tag, to which she responded " I'll see what I can do " 😊 A few minutes later she came from the stock room with a BOX OF PRICE TAGS!!! All different colours and sizes!! I was so touched. My aim was to get 1 maybe 2 and they gave me 41!! My daughter was beside herself. She had so much fun lining them up. It was such a nice thing for them to do so I just wanted to praise them publicly. Feel free to share!!

And now we have plenty spares!!

Lots of love from one very happy Autism Mommy and her daughter x

Elaine ❤

Anyone that wants to, can follow us on facebook at Life Upside Down, being an autism mom. 💙💙💙

Worrying about the future.

One of the reasons I found "Autism and me" so tough to watch was because of the fear of the future I carry around. Some days I can bury it and convince myself to not even think about it. Those days I'm living one day at a time and focusing on the next hurdle ahead for us.

But other days... It's all I think about. What about when they are older? I haven't met an autism parent yet who doesn't worry about the same thing. I have questions that circle around my brain begging for answers.

1. Will they ever live independently ?
2. Will they be able to manage money or drive?
3. What happens when we are gone ?
4. Are we looking at residential care ? How will we afford it?
5. How do you explain periods or the stresses of puberty if they are still non verbal then ?

I could go on.
Aside from the concerns we have now with speech and school etc. there is a whole other world that comes with being a parent to a special needs adult. If Logan is hard to manage and restrain now at 3, what about when he is 23?
And yes it's cute and funny when Kirsty goes up to perfect strangers and smells them at 5 years old but what about when she's 12 or 13. Not so funny then. You are entering a different place with boundaries and rules, that as adults they need to follow. But how do you teach them ?

I know there is no answer. There is no way of knowing how they'll end up, what kind of adult they'll be. Watching the documentary gave me some hope, but it also felt like I was being shown a preview of years to come. As if someone was saying " prepare yourselves, here's what you can expect ".
I suppose because a lot of kids I've met with ASD are still young, the older kids are not what I'm used too. Seeing how they navigate the world when they aren't babies anymore was hard. There's a sense of innocence when they're young. They are oblivious to the fact that they're different.
The older those kids got, the more aware they seemed that they were different, they knew they stood out. It didn't seem to bother some of them, others it definitely did.

 As a parent you can't shelter them from that anymore. Their peers become their judges and they are open to hurt and upset from the whole world.
The catch 22 is that even though I worry about not being able to shield them from hurt, I also worry about them being so severe in their autism that they'll never feel it to begin with. How can you win when you want them to progress so desperately but you worry about what comes with that progression too?

And will it ever leave me? This constant worry and aching about their futures? Maybe not. I'm my own worst enemy. Worrying about things that may or may not happen.
Tonight is one of those nights I'm trying to reach far into the future to see what's ahead. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be back in 2017 and taking each day as it comes.

Xxx
Elaine

Explaining autism.

Where would you even start ? Trying to explain something so complex and ever changing. People ask me all the time.
Everyone knows the technical answer. We've all heard the terms. " Neurological disorder, social and developmental delay"... type in autism into Google and the first response is " A disorder of social disconnect ". All these terms can be so daunting and scary. If you're a new autism parent what does it all mean?

Firstly, autism is a spectrum disorder. The word spectrum literally means an array of things. And this is certainly true for the autism I've encountered. No 2 children with autism are the same. I have 2 myself. Both diagnosed before their 2nd birthdays with the same condition, but 2 completely different children. When Logan was diagnosed we started all over again, as if it was our first time.
Even though our kids are so different there are a few traits or behaviours that kids with autism seem to share. A few similarities that enabled the powers that be to come up with an overall term to fit them all. The best way I can describe them is to talk about my own little girl and boy.

The social aspect of everyday life is one of the most challenging aspects an autistic person deals with. When you are young you listen and learn. You watch adults talking, watching each others expressions to gauge responses and taking turns in order to listen and converse with each other. Some kids with autism don't do that. They can't do that. Their brain tells them " Don't make eye contact, I don't like it". Kirsty doesn't see the need for play. If she wants us to help with a puzzle or the Ipad she'll engage us, but other than that she is happy on her own. I'm sure her little imagination runs wild but she doesn't see the point in playing with others. She is that girl you see playing on her own at a party, while a group of 10 kids huddle around the Mickey Mouse or face painter.
Or that kid that just doesn't get invited because the other kids think he's weird.
I've heard the conversations..." all he does is talk about trains, it's boring".
So he stays home. With his trains.
These are some of the most heartbreaking scenes a parent can watch. Acceptance is a thing some can only dream of for their kids.

Our kids are wired differently. Their little brains see things we don't.
Take this example.
I see a pack of magnets in a shop, I see an array of colours and sizes. I know I could organise them if I wanted to but it doesn't bother me that they are mixed up. It bothers Kirsty. She sees multiple colours and sizes and in her head it's all wrong. She needs to put the red with the red and the blue with the blue. That's right for her.
Kids with autism crave their routine. The same foods, the same tv programmes. If it's familiar then it's safe. Just last week I bought custard pots from Dunnes instead of Aldi. No way would Kirsty eat them. They looked and tasted the same to me. To her they were miles apart. Her little mind works in facts and that was incorrect!!!

Logan is not as rigid as she is. His biggest problem area is around his anxiety. Lots of kids want cuddles and reassurance but they are happy to potter around in between. For Logan, the need for reassurance is constant. The world scares him. Sudden noises, changes in his habitat, if he doesn't expect it, he can't deal with it. He looks to us for something familiar and runs for the nearest door. He visibly relaxes once he's home.
He lives for his own surroundings. It's tough to bring him anywhere that he doesn't know. When we do go anywhere new he clings to the buggy and focuses completely on the iPad so he has some sort of familiarity. Even at that, the timer is running in his mind. Once the buzzer goes it's home time and no one or nothing can calm him down. My heart breaks when I think of him in years to come. The thought that life will always be this hard for him is more than I can bear.

The truth about autism is that it's not understood. Our kids are living in a world that they don't understand and that doesn't understand them.
Why does Kirsty feel the need to smell a strangers hand or flap her own?
Why does Logan not see that Monkey Maze is fun, much more fun than the car or home?
The world doesn't get them.
Even their little bodies don't sleep like we do. Kirsty can wake at 2am every night and not even yawn until 9pm that night.
Why can't they just talk? A child once said to me " it's easy, just tell her open her mouth and the words will come out ".
And many an adult has said to me " if she's hungry she'll eat it".
Unless you live with it you just can't explain but eucation is what we need.
Education, awareness and a little understanding along the way.

❤❤❤

Holding objects.

Do any of you have kids that constantly hold things in their hands? Ever since mine were little they have done this. As soon as Kirsty could grasp objects she held onto them for hours and then as she got older, days and weeks at a time. Everything from toothbrushes and spoons to the infamous frying pan and the latest obsession... the red snooker ball. For whatever reason, she just loves to hold things in her hand. Logan is the same. When he was tiny it started with empty plastic water or juice bottles. Now it's books or empty puzzle boxes. Just recently he was quite attached to an empty quality street box. He carried it around for days!! I've always wondered why they do this. I know it's some sort of sensory requirement but because they are non verbal they can't tell me why they feel the need to do it. My curiosity gets the better of me with things like this so I consulted my good friend Google!! I like to look at online forums, and read the discussions. You'd be amazed what you can learn!!
I googled " holding objects " and this answer really struck me. This teenage guy with Aspergers was asked about holding objects and he explained it by comparing it to a hug.
The part that interested me was when he said " he gets a strange aching pressure in his hands when he doesn't hug or hold something ". Kirsty and Logan both get so excited when they have things in their hands but at the same time it relaxes them. I sarted to think of how I feel when I'm hugged. It's so comforting and feels lovely. As humans we crave closeness, but unfortunately a lot of kids with ASD can't tolerate that kind of interaction. Take Kirsty for example. She is a very affectionate child but it's all on her terms. Some days she clings to us for cuddles, other days she will push you away and say " go away " when you try to hug her. I think this helps to explain why she is so attached to objects. Holding them is like a hug for her hands. Maybe her hands are where she feels that strange and aching pressure. I certainly see her visibly relax once she holds those things she loves, and if they are lost she always finds another thing to replace it.
For Logan, who has no problem at all with hugging, the objects seem to serve as a constant comfort. He needs that feeling all day long. To manage his anxiety and his stress levels we squeeze him as much as we can but obviously we can't do it 24/7 which he'd happily love. Logan is on the other side of the spectrum where this is concerned. He is that child that demands physical contact all the time. I've often had throbbing arms from him.squeezing them all day long. He craves it so much,that again I go back to that " strange aching pressure" feeling my Google friend described.
Is that why he does it? Jesus I'm rambling on!! 😂😂😂
I wish they could answer some of the million questions I have in my head somedays. Maybe someday they will, and then I'll have an answer!!
Until then, I'll keep researching to try and shed some light of the traits of autism in our house to share with you all.
I've always felt that sharing spreads awareness and the more we have of that the better!!

Elaine.
❤

Hey guys.  So I've been humming over this post for a while now. Lots of people mail me about this topic, the topic of the MMR vaccination. They ask my opinion and wonder should they vaccinate, is it safe, what advice I can offer etc. so I'm finally gonna address this old taboo subject. 

Let's get one thing out of the way before I start this post. These are my views and mine alone. This page offers my personal opinions on all things autism, and they are in no way an indication of how anyone else should feel.  Don't riot please !! 😄😄😄

I know this topic is very emotional for some people so if you're reading this and your view is the total opposite, that's ok. I won't be offended and neither should you be.

So the V word... vaccines. 

One small word, and it can spark a debate among millions.  Some people will rally around the importance of vaccinating kids while others will plead and beg with parents not to do it. There are pros and cons as with anything, but when the MMR vaccine was supposedly linked to autism, the world went crazy. 

Here's what happened...

In 1998 a Dr Andrew Wakefield released a publication that claimed the combination measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccine caused autism. But this was an elaborate fraud. It wasn't just that his claim was wrong. It was that it was utterly fabricated and wrong.

Dr. Wakefield claimed was that because the MMR vaccine was given as a combination, it overwhelmed the immune system. Not a single aspect of that claim was correct, and more importantly, nothing was studied. The studies came later, and it was found that the occurrence of autism in the case studies was the same in the vaccinated group as it was in the unvaccinated group. So autism was prevalent in kids both with and without the vaccination. That alone is enough to prove there's no link in my opinion, but then the researchers went on to admit later that they fabricated, tampered with, and even hid adverse data and results to back up Dr. Wakefields theory.

To add to the deceit, it was also discovered that Mr Wakefield had been funded by a pharmaceutical company who were trying to introduce their equivalent to the MMR vaccine. They were proposing the same product but as 3 separate vaccinations instead and therefore costing 3 times the price. He was directly funded by the competitors of the product he had tried to stop people from using. Talk about a hidden agenda!!

Irreparable damage was done. Thousands of parents chose to not vaccinate their children and many parents who already had, blamed the MMR vaccine for stealing away their children and replacing them with a quiet, strange child whom they longer recognised.

Others, me included, knew that their child was born with autism and although I have always been convinced of that, I still struggled on the decision to vaccinate our second child. 

What if there was some truth to it? Could I live with myself if it meant I was increasing his chances of ending up like his sister?

I heard a friend say after her daughters vaccination that "a light just went out in her ". That scared me.

On the other hand what if I didn't vaccinate my Logan and he developed Measles, Mumps or Rubella? How could I live with myself then? That scared me even more.

Someone once said to me, "But even if it did cause ASD, wouldn't you rather have that? ASD won't kill the child like any of those illnesses could" 

What about those kids with compromised immune systems? If my child is not vaccinated and in contact with them, am I jeopardising their health too?

I went back and forth until I had all the information I needed. Until I was satisfied that the whole MMR/ Autism debacle wasn't true. The negative ripple effect of that "so called study" is still evident to this day. I know many parents who still refuse to use the MMR vaccine, despite the protests of nurses, GP's etc. 

It's a personal decision and a tough one at that. 

For us, it was knowing, no matter what we did, we couldn't have prevented our child's autism. Knowing that we certainly didn't cause it helped us make the decision to vaccinate. 

Every year there seems to emerge a different reason why autism occurs. I've heard them all, from C Sections to not bonding with your children, taking paracetamol during pregnancy and your diet. We seem to crave an answer as to why this happened, no matter how silly or unlikely it might be. I can understand why. I sat on my couch after Kirsty was diagnosed and all I wanted to know was why this happened and how could I prevent it happening again. It's human nature to need a reason or something to blame. It saves us from the not knowing which can drive anyone crazy.

The evidence was there for us all along. In the videos of Kirsty rocking and flapping at only 3 months old or Logan going around in circles as soon as he could stand, which was months before any vaccination appointments arrived.

At the end of the day it was admitting that the traits of autism were already there, long before the vaccines came, that helped me cement a decision in my mind and stick to it. No one can make that decision for you. You have to live with it so give it time and consideration. For a lot of people the time creeps up on them and they feel pressure to make a decision quickly. If you're unsure talk to your GP or nurse or even hold off until you can decide comfortably.

It was right for us, so I am definitely for vaccines. But again, that's just me. I hope this helps anyone struggling to make that decision.

Thanks for reading guys.