Monday we took the plunge!!! 🙈
We sent Miss Kirsty to bed with no pull up on. I didn't know if she was ready but she has been so good during the daytime all summer so we said we'd try it. She had been going into the toilet on her own and totally stopped having accidents so we took a leap of faith.  And with Brian being home with his back for a few weeks at least we could share the sleepless nights.

I had everything ready. Wet pads under the sheet, spare sheets and duvets at the ready. She peed before bed and off she went!!
That night I didn't sleep a wink!! Every time I heard a peep I was listening outside her door.  I was fully expecting to be changing sheets  ( and her ) at 3am!!
Fast forward to 6am and she was dry!!! I couldn't believe it !!!
Now it's Friday morning and she has been dry every morning since!! I was afraid to  post about it incase we jinxed it but 4 nights in a row later and I actually think she's done!! She just clicked and now she has it. This. Is. Monumental.

I'm gonna just say it... well I'll scream it:

OUR DAUGHTER IS POTTY TRAINED !!!  😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

After 2 and a half years... we are just over the moon. I never thought we'd be here. To train a child that cannot speak has been one of the hardest and stressful things I've ever had to do. I've seen friends and family start and finish within 2 weeks and life never felt so unfair.  But we got there!!! I couldn't be more proud of her.
I'm in no way an expert but if anyone  is starting night training this piece of advice might help you.

Wait until they are ready. We learned this the hard way.  Last year we tried Kirsty at night for 2 weeks.  She wet the bed 2/3 times a night, every single night.  She was still having accidents during the day so I don't know what we were thinking but it definitely wasn't the right time.
This time I did my research and I read that if a child goes 2 months without an accident during the day it's a good time to try at night. I left Kirsty's pull up on all summer, even when she was going in by herself.  I waited until I knew she had the understanding. And even though she was 100% trained at daytime that pull up was still full every morning and we didn't know why. Was it a comfort thing or a habit? I thought night time wasn't on the cards for a long time yet.

Then last week she woke early one morning, around 3am and when Brian checked it was dry. She didn't go until around 7 that morning so we knew she was physically capable of holding it at night.  The next morning was the same thing, only it was 6am she woke. We realised she was waking dry and then going in the pullup so we knew it had to go.
We took a chance and it really paid off. She just amazes me!!!
Once more for the road...

OUR DAUGHTER IS POTTY TRAINED!!! 😄😄😄

Row row row your boat!!! 🚣🚣🚣

It's such a simple song and game but so great for encouraging eye contact and eventually speech.
Especially for early intervention before language comes, this type of floor play and interactive games are perfect.

Kirsty has always loved it. At the start if she even made a sound or gave a glance of eye contact we'd go again. It's important to wait and let them realise they need to so something if you want to continue.  Even the smallest sign is ok as you can build on it.
Now Kirsty will say "again " or "go" and sometimes even "Momma, again ". Any sign of a word and we are weak!! 😁😁 Her teacher was playing it in school with her yesterday and she couldn't believe the eye contact and interaction she was getting.
Logan loves it too. The faster the better for him. Brian thinks he'll have whiplash!! 😂😂

Try it with your little ones.  Even do one or two lines of the song to build it up and then go longer and longer each time. If they'll sit on your lap that's great but some kids cannot tolerate that closeness so a mat on the floor works just fine too.

Happy rowing!!!

❤ A letter for any new special needs moms. ( And maybe a reminder for any existing ones.)

Hey you.
Yes you. Sitting at the kitchen table with your head in your hands. Crying tears that seem endless and sighing every breath. You didnt sleep last night did you? You probably haven't sleep properly since you heard it. That word that brought the whole world to a standstill. That word that took away all the plans you made and confirmed the worst fears you had...
Autism.

Now girl... I know what you're thinking.
How can such a small word be such a huge word?
How can that child you've always known seem so different somehow?
Why us? Why them?
I know we did nothing wrong but did we? Did we miss something?
How are we going to cope... and what the hell do we do now?

The reason I know you're thinking the above is because I did. I sat at the table and sobbed. I sat on my mom's couch the next day and cried even more.  A week later... and still the tears were flowing with no sign of stopping.  It seemed like every time I even thought of the word "autism" my brain sent a signal to my eyes to fill up again. I honestly thought I'd never feel happy again. I mean how could I? The most important thing in my life and this is what she had been dealt.
And that feeling of sorrow was only ever equalled once more. When I heard "Autism" again. Only that time I felt like the pain would actually crush me. I thought " there's no way we'll make it through this a second time".

People ask me every day how do I cope? They ask me how do we do it and say they couldn't. I always answer the same, " we have no other choice, you just do it". But then recently someone asked me "How did you get through it?"
And that one, I had to think about.

The truth is we didn't get through it. Yet. We are still wading through, we will always be. Because it's for life. They'll always be our kids and they'll always have Autism so we will always only be getting through it.
If I stop and think for even a second, I'm right back at my kitchen table with you lady.  I can feel every bit of how that felt. How scared and alone me and Brian felt.  How angry and hurt and completely devastated we were. Both times. It's all there planted in my brain and I'm sure it'll never leave.

So I say this to you Momma. You, sitting at your table crying or sitting in your car after you've arrived home but you just can't face going in.
Breathe. And breathe again. Take this time to just breathe.  Nothing has to be done tonight. You think you don't have time but you do. Just let it sink in.
And then listen to me...
You CAN do this. Your child needs you. This is what you are here for. Be their voice, be their champion. Fight for everything they need.

Believe me when I say you won't get it all right. You'll cry and scream and wish things were different but you'll do it all the same.
You got this. Even on the days you think you don't, you do.

Because that's what Momma's do. ❤❤❤

How did you know.

The question I'm asked most of all.
Well here goes...

1. Kirsty.

The short answer is I didn't. She was my first and everything she did (or didn't do) was normal to us. We tried not to compare her to other kids and just plodded on.
Looking back now the long answer is I knew. I knew something. Deep down, somewhere, a nagging voice, and a ache in my gut told me there was something wrong. I tried to ignore it and convinced myself that she would do things at her own pace. I got highly indignant with my mom or anyone else who questioned her and pushed that nagging voice away until I thought it was gone.

A meeting with the public health nurse when Kirsty was 16 months set me at ease. She told me and a very worried Nana that everything was fine and we didn't need to worry. I remember being so angry at my mom after we left for even mentioning the word Autism. Like I said, I tried to push the feeling away.
6 months later and we were back there and this time, we both left in tears. It was clear as day. I still wonder now how I ever denied it to myself. The rocking, the flapping, the obsession with Mickey mouse, the zero eye contact, zero speech, not even babbling... how could we not have seen it?

 I honestly didn't see it. Until I did. Then it was all I could see.  I remember Brian called me and said " I've been googling it and it's like they're describing her ". It was like our eyes were suddenly opened. You just don't want to believe it.
Looking back, we knew.  We just didn't want to know we knew.  😢

2. Logan.

Believe it or not, having 1 child with Autism doesn't make you  an expert.  After Kirsty was diagnosed I watched Logan like a hawk. I swore I'd see it earlier this time if it happened again. But he was so different.
Eye contact, Check. Flapping and rocking, Nope.
I thought we were ok.

The only thing I worried about was his screaming. His constant, unrelenting screaming. He never stopped and never slept either. Brian said to me at 6 months, " he has it too". I thought he was paranoid.  Logan even walked earlier than Kirsty at 12 months.
But the second he got on his feet it was like I was hit by a truck. He started going around in circles one day and my stomach sank. It was like a switch.  I saw the possibilities of autism in him for the first time and it wasn't long after that he was diagnosed.

I can honestly say I was blown away. It turned out Autism presents in many forms and while I was looking for Kirsty's traits he had developed his own.  All classic traits too, just not what I was looking out for. The screaming was all sensory, the no sleep is typical autism. I didn't have that nagging voice in my head or that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I genuinely didn't know.
 With Logan it was like hearing the word for the first time all over again.

And that's it in a nutshell.  I could type for hours about how I felt then, and now.  What I'm hoping I got across is that as parents we are not experts. We aim to do our best but sometimes our brains and hearts protect us from the truth.  Don't feel guilty for not seeing what other people may have seen as obvious.  It's a different story when it's your baby and your whole world.
What matters is what you do when you do know. 💙

Acceptance.

I saw a quote today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there. 

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.

saw this picture today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there.

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.


❤❤❤

An update on our Magnesium oil trial.

Guys I unfortunately don't have much to say about the magnesium oil. It certainly wasn't the solution I was looking for or a miracle cure to help Kirsty sleep. I did find that it relaxed her a little bit before bed but her problem has never been falling asleep but rather staying asleep. It might help for anyone who struggles to doze off at night but as for getting her through the night it didn't work.  Save your money on this one guys.

We've also started using Cell Nutrition Isotonics and while I feel Kirsty is a little sharper and more sociable than before I think it's too early to tell if they are the cause. We've only been using them 2 weeks and I'd like to give it more time before reviewing it. I will say that Logan tried a new food since we started him on them but again that could be coincidental. Time will tell.

Now for the hard part. 👇

 I mentioned before that we had used Phenergan  ( an antihistamine ) on occasion when things were at dire straits to get Kirsty and us, a decent night sleep.  This was doctor approved and it did work for a period of time until she became immune to it.
After almost 3 weeks of no sleep I recently went back to my doctor in tears and they advised us to try Piriton. We have been trying this every night ( except for the sleepover in Nana's because she always sleeps there the pup!! ) and it is definitely working. Piriton is also an antihistamine.

Please note this is a seriously sensitive issue for us. I've agonized over whether to say this out but I pride myself on being honest and that won't change.
I'm telling you all the honest truth because I don't want to lie and tell people who kindly follow us that an oil or a drink will get you a night's sleep. You've all seen me on snapchat at 4am night after night in tears and something had to give.

Many autism mommies I've spoken to are in the same boat, using the same remedies but are so afraid to say it incase they are judged... and I was too.  I thought " people might say I'm drugging her" and "what if they think I'm just taking the easy way out to get some sleep?"
Maybe they still will but all I can say is come live with us and then you'd see. Stay awake night after night, all night, and get upto my 3 year old boy just as his sister dozes off at 5am. If she does go back to sleep...because sometimes she doesn't.
Look at a 5 year old girl with dark circles under her pretty blue eyes and a sickly pale colour to her skin.

It killed me.
To look at her and know she feels sick because I've been up all night and I constantly felt nauseous from tiredness. I couldn't do it anymore. To us or to her. Something had to give.
This isn't long term.  It's not supposed to be and it won't be. We will try our best to get her through the night without help whenever and however we can.
But for now we need that extra help and if it's ok with the doctor, I can live with that.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

So we are currently on night 7 with no sleep. Kirsty has always been a bad sleeper but since we came home from holidays she hasn't slept for more than 4 hours a night. Yesterday she went from 1.15am to nearly 11pm last night before she went off.
I am fit to be tied and I don't know how Brian is driving to work. We have tried everything from Phenergan to Melatonin, Lullaby milk to lavender and she just cannot sleep through the night.  It used to be an hour or two that she'd just lie there and chat to herself but now it's full on hyper mode. She jumps on the bed, turns on her light, pulls back the curtains and squeals at the top of her lungs.  I swear at that hour you'd feel like murdering her.  There is nothing worse than no sleep. I almost reversed into someone in Blackpool shopping centre I'm so distracted. It's relentless and it's every night now. Even when we do get her back to sleep Logan wakes between 5am and 6am. Torture!! And she's exhausted too. She's cranky and fed up and it's a long day for us all.

So I'm trying a magnesium oil from the Health shop. Apparently you rub a few drops on her temples and the back of her neck and it aids sleep.  I'm sceptical but I'll try anything at this stage. There was a few articles online about the benefits of the oil for kids with Autism too but i can't vouch for it yet.
It was €16.35 for the 100ml bottle so here's hoping it helps.  I'll keep ye posted.  🤞🤞🤞