Another year down. Looking back 2017 was both good and bad for us. I've always been honest here so I'll start with the bad.😢

My sister fell pregnant and sadly miscarried, which resulted in some serious medical treatment afterwards. She powered through and was absolutely amazing. I couldn't love her or David more.

My dad was diagnosed with Motor neurons disease in Sept which completely crippled us all. We think we have problems in every day life but really it's the things that come out of nowhere that just devastate you. My parents are incredible. I owe them everything.
My dad is 1 of the 2 most important men in my life. It just broke my heart into millions of pieces. We are trying our best as a family to cope, that's all we can do.

I have to say the year wasn't all bad. My sister also got engaged and is getting married in 3 months!! Our daughter Kirsty finally became toilet trained, honestly one of our greatest achievements to date.
After 4 years of waiting, I heard the word "Momma" from my beautiful boy Logan and thankfully it wasn't a once off.  He says it often now, along with ""dadda" and most recently " nana".
And I'm hoping those words keep coming, like they are with Kirsty. His use of PECS has flourished and he also transitioned to a brand new school which anyone that understands autism will know is incredibly hard to do.

Now it's almost that time again. A new year approaching and thoughts of new resolutions and goals. It's funny, for as long as I can remember I used to pray to be thinner as my resolution. I'd swear every January, "this  would be the year I'd do it". Well I did it. I lost the weight this year and yes it makes you happy, but it won't give you everything you need. But it's one less thing to keep me awake at night and for that alone, it was worth it.

For 2018 all I want is peace.
Peace of mind.
Peace at home.
To know that whatever happens, my husband, my children and my family are ok.
At this moment in time that seems impossible. I know nothing will ever be the same for us.
We are facing a tough year ahead and it worries me sick. All we can do is make every day count and be there for each other.

I'd like to thank everyone for reading my blog in 2017. This is my outlet and you've all dried more tears than you'll ever know.

My best wishes for 2018.

Elaine 💙

This is a post solely dedicated to the people that have made helping my children their career... the wonderful teachers and their amazing SNA's.

I have always been vocal about Kirsty and Logan's school and how great they are but that was easy to say because Kirsty never gave them any trouble. She toddles into school every day with a smile and thoroughly enjoys it. Back in her first year at early intervention we had a few hairy days at the start but overall school has always been a happy experience for her.

This year that same early intervention class met Logan. Logan, the sweetest, most affectionate little boy I know, entered their classroom and I was a wreck.  Because I know.
I know how long it takes him to settle into a new place.
I know how hard it is to bring him back from a meltdown, how impossible it is to stop the screaming once he gets to that place.
I know the sheer volume of his cry, the pierce of his scream and how it can set other kids off, whose crying in turn then makes him worse.
I know the exasperation he feels when he can't communicate what he needs and the frustration that comes with it.
That frustration turns to biting, pinching, hair pulling and kicking.

I can live with all that because I'm his mom. It's my reason for being here. It's my job. Not the one I necessarily wanted or planned for, but I have it nonetheless.

But what about the people who do it voluntarily? Who get up every day and face all of the above for a child that isn't theirs?  Never knowing what the day will bring, if they'll be attacked or abused? How do they do it? I have always wondered, why would anybody voluntarily pick this job?

And I think I know why.
Because today might be the day.

The day they'll break through and finally watch a child use the toilet on their own,
Today, after months of trying, they might get a 6 year old to put down their baby bottle and pick up a cup and sip.
Today is the day they'll ring a parent after the school quietens down and say " he picked up the PECS card on his own ".

Of course they have to deliver the bad news too. When Logan's teacher calls me to say "he bit one of us today" I feel more sorry for her than me.  No one wants to make that call. Tuesday's one got to me and I was in tears. I asked her about their policy and what happens if it continues. I was bracing myself to hear he might have to leave and find somewhere more suitable.
And she simply said " That wouldn't happen, we will find what's right for him. That's our job "

That isn't a job. It's a calling. It's some sort of gift that appears in people and just makes them incredible.
If you're an SNA, a teacher involved in special education, a bus or taxi escort, a respite worker or anyway involved in the life of kids like mine, you are helping in ways you'll never understand. Thank you for choosing this job.

I salute these people today. I thank them.  They don't problem solve. They understand and they value.
We need so many more of them. 💙💙💙

The tooth fairy... autism style !!

Kirsty lost 3 teeth last year. She must have swallowed them because I never saw them and she never complained about them. But yesterday she pulled out a loose tooth and handed it to me!! Huge day for us.

Logan,
Happy birthday my beautiful boy. You've taught me more about love than I could ever have imagined. I'm so proud of you. I hope this will be your best year yet.
💙
Love Momma.

👇

Today you are four, those years went so fast.
I'd give anything to go back to days that have past.
I thought we had all the time in the world,
But you got big so quick, it went by in a whirl.

I think of the endless nights when you kept us awake,
Nights when I wished I could fix where you ached.
Days when I thought teething was my biggest worry,
I wished you along, to grow up in a hurry.

Now you're a big boy but you're still my baby,
You haven't spoke to us yet... next year maybe? 🤞
We'll wait here forever for it, your dad and me.
We are still the proudest parents we could ever be.

Your smile makes our whole world go around,
Your chuckily laugh is our favourite sound.
We'll love you unconditionally, until our days are done.
You're everything we could ever want in a son.

💙💙💙💙

Reducing language.
Nana's have the best parenting hacks!!! Here's my mom Anna O Connell teaching  Logan to throw and tidy at the same time.  😂

I recently learned at a Middletown Center parenting course, that many kids with autism can take between 8 to 15 seconds to process anything we say. Even 8 seconds might seem like nothing but considering you or I can process things in less than 1 second it's quite a long time.
Do any of you ever find your child repeats back what you say immediately? Apparently this is their way of giving themselves time to process and understand what you've said. Clever little things!!!

The tip is to reduce your language dramatically.  Keep it as short and as clear as possible for their brains to take it in.
And wait...give them time to answer.  I know I'm guilty of repeating myself 10 times in a row when I want them to do something so I'm working on that!!

Just a simple  one-word  command works better here so my mom is just saying "IN" rather than " put your Lego in the box "... and he's understanding and doing it. Plenty praise helps every task also. 😊

I'm super proud of him. ❤
This simple throwing exercise is building an important little skill. It's good for his arms from an OT standpoint, he's hearing language and it's great for his concentration aswell.
Less clean up for us too. 😂😂😂

Totally off my normal topic of Autism...

This post is about me as a person.  Not a mom, or a carer but just a woman.  I've struggled with my weight my whole life.  It has just always been an issue. Partly because I fecking love food and partly because food loves me!! If I'm sad or stressed it's my comfort, and when I'm happy I celebrate with food. And there's no point in saying " I only have to look at food to pile it on" because it wasn't looking at the food I was doing, it was eating it.🙈
A while ago I joined slimming world.  Over the years, after a back operation, a knee operation and 2 heartbreaking diagnoses for my kids I had let myself go.
The size 16's were getting tight and I wasn't happy. It can be easy as a mom to stop looking after yourself and focus on your kids. But I wanted some bit of myself back so I said I'd try it.
Now I'm not here to preach and say everything has changed and I'm now a model eater. It's tough. I still love food... a lot!! But it definitely helped the way I see food.  And one thing I did get from it was confidence. Before I joined I didn't wear flattering clothes.  I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving the house in a tight jeans and a body suit. I just didn't have the nerve. I looked at myself last night and thought, ok I'm not perfect, but for the first time in years I'm kind of happy with myself.

The jeans were a size 12 and I am super proud.  The belly is still there ( thanks Kirsty and Logan 😂 )and if I wasn't so lazy I could go to a gym and work on my arms but that's ok too. 😂  I'm in no rush to be skinny.  For now I'm just gonna give myself a pat on the back and say  " you've come this far... keep going ".

I know I'm a mom and that's my job... but I'm a girl too. It's good to remember that once in a while.
❤❤❤

Some days.  💙

Some days I can't fathom how I'll do this for life.

Some days I'm so tired I can't even look at a pecs book or a visual schedule without feeling sick so I just give them what they want.

Some days I hide in the bathroom and cover my ears just so I don't hear incessant stimming or screaming for a second.

Some days I get pinched, bitten, and my hair is torn out... all because a small boy can't tell me what's wrong.

Some days a little girl cries her eyes out to me and I have no idea why.

Some days I want to scream into a pillow because life is so fucking unfair.

Some days I can't believe I may never hear Logan say "momma"  or Kirsty say she loves me.

Some days the injustice of it all makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Some days I hate the life we have, and then I hate the guilt that comes with feeling like that.

Some days autism wins... and I lose. I lose my temper. I lose my head.  I lose my fight.

Some days are just too damn hard.
Today was one of them.

Xxx

One very tired Momma.