When the mind runs.


Tonight I was brushing Kirsty's hair and my
mind was wondering... probably because I was trying to drown out her whinging. She hates having her hair done. We limit the bath to twice a week but she still finds it so tough and because she has thick knotty hair it takes forever to do. So my mind drifts off. Mostly about random things that flutter in and out but sometimes one stays put.

For whatever reason I found myself wondering would she ever be doing her daughter's hair. And that's all it takes. The sad stomach feeling creeps in and I start wondering about our future. Will we have grandchildren? Am I awful for even wondering about it? Maybe I should know better. I don't even know if my daughter will be able to become an independent adult let alone become a mother. I see my mom with her and wonder if it'll ever be me. And I feel sad for Kirsty already if it doesn't happen.  Why do we get all these fears and worries? They are so futile and so upsetting. What good can possibly come of thinking that way? But yet I can't help it. It finds a way in and stays put.

So then I started thinking about Logan. Would he ever walk in home with a shy face and a girl behind him to introduce me to? Will I lie awake at 3am waiting for him to come home from clubbing sick with worry incase he's drunk? Or maybe I'll lie awake sad and heartbroken instead that he isn't getting to experience that side of youth. I know which one is worse to me.

For all my knowledge I sometimes feel like I'm back in 2013 and hearing the word autism for the first time ever. It might gets easier but it's never easy.  The smallest things hurt as much now as they ever did. I have no answers and that's the scariest thing.
The mind is a powerful thing. 😔