How did you know.

The question I'm asked most of all.
Well here goes...

1. Kirsty.

The short answer is I didn't. She was my first and everything she did (or didn't do) was normal to us. We tried not to compare her to other kids and just plodded on.
Looking back now the long answer is I knew. I knew something. Deep down, somewhere, a nagging voice, and a ache in my gut told me there was something wrong. I tried to ignore it and convinced myself that she would do things at her own pace. I got highly indignant with my mom or anyone else who questioned her and pushed that nagging voice away until I thought it was gone.

A meeting with the public health nurse when Kirsty was 16 months set me at ease. She told me and a very worried Nana that everything was fine and we didn't need to worry. I remember being so angry at my mom after we left for even mentioning the word Autism. Like I said, I tried to push the feeling away.
6 months later and we were back there and this time, we both left in tears. It was clear as day. I still wonder now how I ever denied it to myself. The rocking, the flapping, the obsession with Mickey mouse, the zero eye contact, zero speech, not even babbling... how could we not have seen it?

 I honestly didn't see it. Until I did. Then it was all I could see.  I remember Brian called me and said " I've been googling it and it's like they're describing her ". It was like our eyes were suddenly opened. You just don't want to believe it.
Looking back, we knew.  We just didn't want to know we knew.  😢

2. Logan.

Believe it or not, having 1 child with Autism doesn't make you  an expert.  After Kirsty was diagnosed I watched Logan like a hawk. I swore I'd see it earlier this time if it happened again. But he was so different.
Eye contact, Check. Flapping and rocking, Nope.
I thought we were ok.

The only thing I worried about was his screaming. His constant, unrelenting screaming. He never stopped and never slept either. Brian said to me at 6 months, " he has it too". I thought he was paranoid.  Logan even walked earlier than Kirsty at 12 months.
But the second he got on his feet it was like I was hit by a truck. He started going around in circles one day and my stomach sank. It was like a switch.  I saw the possibilities of autism in him for the first time and it wasn't long after that he was diagnosed.

I can honestly say I was blown away. It turned out Autism presents in many forms and while I was looking for Kirsty's traits he had developed his own.  All classic traits too, just not what I was looking out for. The screaming was all sensory, the no sleep is typical autism. I didn't have that nagging voice in my head or that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I genuinely didn't know.
 With Logan it was like hearing the word for the first time all over again.

And that's it in a nutshell.  I could type for hours about how I felt then, and now.  What I'm hoping I got across is that as parents we are not experts. We aim to do our best but sometimes our brains and hearts protect us from the truth.  Don't feel guilty for not seeing what other people may have seen as obvious.  It's a different story when it's your baby and your whole world.
What matters is what you do when you do know. 💙

Acceptance.

I saw a quote today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there. 

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.

saw this picture today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there.

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.


❤❤❤