Acceptance.

I saw a quote today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there. 

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.

saw this picture today and it got me thinking. The caption says the first step comes " once you accept ". But what if you can't accept it? I've been there.

 For the longest time I never thought I would accept autism. This wasn't the life I wanted. This wasn't the way of parenting I wanted to have to learn. And this wasn't the life I wanted for my kids.  An uncertain future filled with huge worries and the fear of cruel people and a society they wouldn't understand. It seemed so unfair and still does. I've always been honest about the fact that I absolutely hate Autism. It stole a life from us that we will never get back.

But I've realised lately that we have accepted it. Maybe not the way you would expect but in our own way. I thought acceptance meant no more tears or feeling let down by where life took us. Like I'd wake one morning and say " ok... it is what it is, no more crying, let's do this. "
Well that's not the case.

We still cry. We still wish things were easier. We still wonder why us and why our children.  But what we don't do anymore is feel guilty about all of the above. When I say I found acceptance, that's what I mean. I accept that I'll always feel sad and a little hard done by.  I accept that I'll never be a mom who says they wouldn't change them for the world because I would.  I'd take away autism in a heartbeat and if you have to ask why then you'll never understand.  But I can't take it away and I've accepted that.

I accept that autism isn't leaving and so my feelings about it are here to stay too.  I've found a way to be happy in life without being happy about autism. I didn't think those 2 things could co-exist but they do.
And being able to say that out loud gives me so much peace of mind.  Accepting that they are different maybe a step but it doesn't have to be the first step.
Accepting that it was ok to always feel sad that they are different was my first step.
And it might be the only step I ever needed to take.


❤❤❤